I am
Happy
Scared
Loved up
Surprised
Not really here
Wishing I was somewhere else
or wishing someone else was here
Probably like she once did
Want and need and love you
Though it’s hard to admit
She loved your smile, too.
I’m
Safe in the knowledge (I hope)
One day she will be
Just a distant memory
For you
Maybe even for me.
Much crit please, this definitely isn't my best piece. Rip it apart if you want
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139,476 Literary Works • 672,575 Reviews
Wow, this is four years old.
Thank you though, I might revisit this sometime.
Hi Matt!
You're right, this isn't my favourite of your pieces.
I don't think that the string of emotions really does anything to you. Instead, maybe try something like describing your speaker's actions/words/movements and how they change or contradict each other. I love the rhythm of;
"Wishing I was somewhere else
or wishing someone else was here"
but as for what you're saying, I think it's a tad stale.
I like the tone of the second stanza, and it flows perfectly, but again I don't think it's anything new. I'd use imagery instead of direct statements.
I think the final stanza is a bit watered down. I'd get rid of statements like "safe in the knowledge" and "distant memory", but I feel the pain comes through clearly in "maybe even me".
I'd get a pen and cross out the weak lines, and replace them with imagery which indicates the tone.
Hope this helps.
Jas
'She loved your smile too.'
Great line, I think everybody has felt like that before.
I didn't realise about the 2:1 ratio so I checked your work out.
All the best.
I think I know what's going on. You like a girl but someone else likes her and she broke both of your hearts and you're trying to get over her. Am I write or wrong? Ayways, it needs more emotion. I can read that you're feeling something, but I can't feel. This would be so much better if i could feel what you're feeling. this is well written and I like it. But it could use some improvement.
I agree with Snoink.. It sounds like a broken up piece with no emotion whatsoever... As one person told me a while ago, we're all writers here. We know the emotions happy scared, surprised...You need to make us feel them, not just tell us. I didn't like the flow of the last two lines...
I think this works better----
Wanting and needing and loving you.
Though it's hard to admit
That she loved your smile, too.
And this---
I'm Safe in the knowledge
That one day she will be
Just a distant memory
For you
And maybe even for me.
I don't think that I hope works well... It didn't work that well for me. I don't know why, but it didn't. I did like the last stanza a bit more, but I agree that the tones don't match.
I like the first stanza the best because it's quick and short. Then the lines get longer. It seems a little bit more clumsily written... like you're going to a completely different subject. Since it seems like you're changing subjects suddenly, it seems awkward. You need to have a little bit more of a transition.
Also, the tones are different. The first part is light and short -- the next part seems a lot darker, and then the poem goes back to being light and short. I like different tones in poetry, but without a transition, the changes seem illogical.
So... maybe make the second stanza a little lighter and quicker?
I really like that line, "Safe in the knowledge (I hope)." It's quite ironic. Uh... I don't really get what's going on, and it kinds sounds like you were trying to make a poem but didn't have much feeling in it. I'm not getting any emotions out of this, just broken thoughts and phrases.